We Need More Humility and Less Judgement

A couple of weeks ago North Carolina voters approved Amendment One.  The passage of this mean-spirited legislation troubled many people for a number of reasons.  For those who feel that people should be free to pursue committed relationships with other consenting adults that provide meaning and happiness in their lives, it was disheartening.  For those anticipating the untold harm the amendment will do to existing relationships and families because of its legally untested language regarding "civil unions," the passage of the amendment is heartbreaking. For those who believe that the civil rights of others should never be put to a vote, it was a betrayal of the American values of freedom and self-determination. Others saw the hypocrisy evident in the idea of people extolling the virtues of "limited goverment" while voting to insert government into the most personal of relationships. I share all these concerns but there is something else that has bothered me about the Amendment One debate and it has been simmering inside me over the last couple of weeks so I thought I would write about it.
 

In addition to the above concerns, what deeply troubles me is the arrogant self-righteousness that surrounds the issue of "gay marriage."  As a pastor I regularly meet with people who are experiencing significant issues in their marriage so I am well aware that the condition of many heterosexual marriages is actually quite fragile. Some couples are barely holding their relationship together and are doing so out a concern for the impact a divorce would have on their finances or their kids rather than a respect for the institution of marriage or a desire to build a loving relationship. They are just endeavoring to persevere.  I also meet with couples who are preparing to get married in our church and I help them work through our church's premarital counseling survey and companion workbook in an effort to help them discover the issues they will face in the first years of their marriage.  When I sit down with them, I encourage them to take the process seriously because statistics tells us that a little over 40% of first marriages end in divorce.  If you had to drive a car that catastrophically failed 40% of the time you would think carefully before starting the ignition and driving someplace. In addition, I have been married for 17 years and my own experience with marriage tells me that living in a committed, loving relationship with someone for any length of time is hard and something that requires work and compromise.  Indeed, there are many days that I wonder why my wife puts up with me at all.

Consequently, I have a deep sense of humility when it comes to marriage and I am profoundly disturbed by the arrogance and sense of superiority that pervades much of discussion from those who oppose gay marriage.  Maybe they don't intend it this way, but these self-appointed guardians of the sanctity of marriage act as though their marital relationships are all in good order so they are somehow qualified to pass judgement on someone else's relationship.  My experience tells me that most of us are not qualified to do so and that if someone looked under the hood of our marriage they would find a great deal about which to be concerned.

I guess what I would like to say is this: Until you are properly taking care of your own marriage, you have no business poking your nose into someone else's committed relationship - whether it be homosexual or heterosexual. As a wise rabbi from Nazareth once said, " Let you who is without sin cast the first stone." All of us could stand a healthy dose of humility before we start critiquing someone else's relationship. No one is perfect. All of our relationships could stand to be improved. When you never utter an unkind word to your spouse or always put their interests above your own, then you can tell other people when they can get married and to whom. Until then, you need to mind your own business and take care of your relationship with your spouse. If you're busy taking care of your own marriage, you'll be too busy to perceive a threat in someone else's happiness. I can't help but think that those who pass judgement on other people's relationships do so because their own marriage is so miserable that it's easier to critique someone else than to deal with their own issues. If you want to safeguard the sanctity of marriage - start with your own.  I expect it will keep you busy for a long time to come.